The Moment It Changed...

I was born into and raised in an abusive, apocalyptic, religious cult. Instead of going to school and having a childhood, I was raised to be an obedient soldier with no will or value of my own, expected to follow orders blindly and without question.

Every day, it was ingrained in me that I was worthless, ugly, and stupid. I was NEVER to consider myself in any other way, as doing so would be "selfish." I had no rights as an individual and was NEVER allowed to say no. Personal belongings or emotional attachment to things or people was strictly forbidden and violently punished.

I remember the first time I said no and truly believed it. Previously I'd cried and begged and said no, but deep down I always believed I was bad and deserved to be abused and punished. I had been taught that even thinking of refusing a demand was a sign of the Devil.

But this time was different. When the cult adult told me to drop my pants and bend over, I said NO and I meant it. I felt powerful saying no and finally taking a stand for myself. I ran from him, and when he struck me I hit back. The angrier he became, the more powerful and liberated I felt. At that moment, I knew I wasn't going to take it anymore. It didn't matter if the outside world was evil and out to get me, as I had been taught - it couldn't be worse than being in the cult!

I had no family or social network, resources, education, culture, or experience of the outside world to fall back on. The only thing I knew was that I was NEVER going back.

I've come a long way since leaving the cult and still have a long way to go. With a lot of support, I've worked towards recovering from my CPTSD and mental health issues. Besides the lifetime effects of the more graphic abuse I suffered, one of the hardest things I've had to overcome is the ingrained belief that I am a worthless, ugly creature unworthy of being loved and too stupid to have an opinion.

This indoctrination from birth left me with severe anxiety and low self-esteem. I struggled for years to allow myself self-care and to even consider my wants or feelings when making decisions. Even now, when I do consider my own wants or needs and say no as a result, I can feel guilty for days. This impacted my relationships as a teenager and later as an adult, and has often resulted in toxic situations. Thankfully, I've identified this pattern and managed to seek out healthier relationships in recent years.

The cult took my childhood, but they didn't win. I got out! I made a life for myself despite them. I found my voice, which I want to use to stop them from continuing to hurt me and others.

~Verity Carter