The Pain Ejected Me ...

I got out of a Christian church/cult after having lived there for 40 years. They look good on the outside and the public message is all about love and forgiveness and living the Christian life fully in our daily lives, and what joy and freedom comes from that. It is also about receiving correction from everyone around you, confessing your sins constantly, and being absolutely obedient without question. Behind the scenes no holds are barred and humiliation, shame, browbeating, and isolation are all used.

I went in at 20 years old and came out at 64 years old.

I was married when we went in, and I had 3 children and raised them there. My husband left first. He couldn’t take the harassment any longer, had an affair and was raked over the coals for that. Our youngest daughter was having “rebellion” issues at 13 (actually she could smell the bs and was too emotionally strong to cave in to it), and the leaders accused my husband of sexually molesting her, which she and I and he all denied. He just wasn’t that kind of guy. They wanted him to sign a “confession” that they had drawn up and he refused. They pressured him out. I didn’t know that until after I left.

At the time I thought he chose to leave me and I was devastated. It was hard enough living there, and to have him leave after having an affair, well “Heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.”  I sunk deeper into the trap of the cult. They pushed him out and pulled me in. My 3 kids left 1 by 1. One before HS graduation, 1 after HS graduation, and 1 after being a vowed sister for a few years. When my last one left is when I started thinking maybe I should leave too. Being there for my children had been one of the strong reasons for staying. It took me several more mentally tormented years however before I did leave.

I started having nightmares of falling over the edge of a cliff into a dark abyss which had no bottom and no hope of return. It scared the bejeezers out of me – I guess you could say quite literally scared the Big Jesus out of me. I would wake up from those dreams knowing that if I surrendered completely to obedience, I would never be my “self” again, that I would lose my identity.

The pain ejected me. I was so miserable all the time.

Honesty about our sins was part of the core teachings, so I was determined to be more brutally honest with myself about why I was miserable and just could not find happiness. I began to admit that I saw hypocrisy all around me. We taught love, and we were cruel to each other. When I tried to be loving to a sister in distress, the other sisters said I was soft and she was in stubborn rebellious sin. When I began to voice my contrary feelings, I got blasted with “light sessions” = hours long sessions in a small group where everyone yelled at me, was disgusted with me, for the purpose of breaking me down into tears and getting confessions from me, after which I would be put on “discipline” for days or weeks of menial labor, loss of responsibility, and isolation.

More details are in my memoir, but one fateful day I wrote my 3rd note to the other superior asking for help, a leave of absence, and was ejected. I was told to get on a bus to Boston the next day and find a place to live. I was not to come back.

I was kicked out at 64 years old after 40 years of unpaid service, with no money, no savings, and very few possessions. They gave me $500 and “lent” me $500 and that was it.

I wasn’t sure at first I could survive on my own. They had said often that anyone who left was leaving their call from God, was leaving God, and would not have His help or protection. The fear of being homeless and hungry, plus the motivation of wanting to prove them wrong, spurred me on.

I stayed with my daughters for a month, found a cheap room, went to a career center, got a job, started saving money, bought a car, moved to better apartments, got better jobs, and most importantly found a fabulous therapist who has helped me process what I went through. I jumped at the opportunity to go to college, and eventually got my Master’s in Social Work and my LCSW license.

I am now in my preferred story, and loving it.

Carrie, LCSW, author of “Exquisite Torture: Life in a Christian Cult”