Only Until Morning...

It almost felt like waking up with another person’s memories; like from that moment, suddenly I’d known it all along. And I knew it was over. 

I was heartbroken but so damn relieved. Finally, proof. The proof that literally no one else had needed; the red flags they’d all been trying to get me to just fucking look at for years.

I realized in that moment just how hard I’d been working to keep my eyes averted. Years spent wondering just how fucked up I could possibly be, and it took this one, tiny, truth. The gaslight was getting dimmer.

I wish I could remember what color the bedspread was. I don’t even know if it was mine or theirs before it was ours. Maybe it was red. 

Whatever color it was, it hadn’t been disturbed for days by anyone but the cat. Poor Fiyero, the unfortunate victim of a gasping last attempt to “fix” things between us. You know, because adding a new pet to the family is such a famously good idea for repairing turbulent relationships… 

I probably wondered whether he’d go with them or stay with me as I sat there on my side of the bed, scratching his neck. I might have wondered if he could hear my heart beating out of my chest. They’d be home from work any minute.

Why did I insist on being there? Wasn’t that why I’d written the letter? It wasn’t for me. I didn’t need to be there for me. To me, it was already over.

For them? After years of believing I was absolutely batshit crazy, was I there for the person who first made me wonder? Who confirmed that bias?

Yeah, of course. Always.

I don’t remember the sound of their keys in the lock, or their work boots clomping up the stairs of our tiny loft apartment, or even their face when they turned the corner. I was staring down at the letter and the ring.

Next, I just remember breathing into the back of their neck as they wept in my arms. We both knew it would be the last time. 

Ever the caretaker, I held them until the morning. 

“How can someone so fragile be the cause of so much destruction?” I wondered, ignorant to the precipice at which I stood.

~Michelle