Is This Real? I’m Real!

You fucking bitch who ruled my life for over 24 years.  A huge shadow of a tiger on my therapist’s wall.

            You tiny, little, pitiful, crazy thing. The actual tiny plastic tiger my therapist is holding.

            I left the property I sunk so much of my money, time, and essence into 5 years ago.

            Thank you my so humble, kind, loving sister who said the right words at the right time, “you can leave, I will come with the horse trailer and move you out tomorrow.  The $ doesn’t matter. I am not afraid of them. I will come get you, the $ doesn’t matter”.  And who continued to say those words when I defended the “leaders”.

            Thus, started the process of my leaving physically.

            It took me awhile…my ability to plan things and do things you didn’t approve of or “your energy is hurting me, I can feel you” bullshit was a challenge.

            But I left.

            I continued paying you and talking to you on the phone daily.  You yelling and berating me to “get out of my energy, your energy harms people”.  My needing to give you money to be saved.

            I barely functioned.

            Thank you to my boss at the time who kept me employed for those years when I was so so emotionally, spiritually, mentally sick.  I mean ABUSED.

            Thank you my compassionate well trained therapist.  Who showed me a list of things without the title showing.  After you let me read it you asked me if the situation I was in had any of the things on the list and I replied yes, you showed me the title, “Characteristics of a Cult”.  You then put it away and didn’t push, but the information registered and a lock began to loosen.

            Thank you to a different local therapist who wrote a weekly article for the local newspaper on mental/emotional therapy.  One week was on gaslighting. 

            I cut it out and tucked it away in the back of my desk so she couldn’t feel it energetically. I read and reread it often, in a panic that she would feel me doing it and I would be berated, shamed, emotionally attacked for daring to say any part of the problem with me was her.

            Thank you, 12 step programs.  I was so lost in a life that on the outside seemed good.  I had a problem with alcohol and codependency when I met her and her teachings and “spiritual” way of life worked to keep me from drinking but the “dry” had become unbearable when her way proved to be ABUSE.

            24 years of brainwashing (spiritual teachings) from a woman whose only training came from near death experiences and an ability to “hear”, “channel” “spirit”.  One of them Mother Mary. How could it be harmful if it was coming from her?

            24 years of brainwashing that my “energy”, “thoughts” “emotions” could and did harm others and interfere in their lives and that the only way I could be alive was with her.  The only way I could “ascend” was with her.

            24 years came crashing down.  I had left but the mind and spirit still believed her.  I asked many times in franticness “Is This Real”?

            I had to live through the 24 years of beliefs, (brainwashing, gaslighting) and known reality dissolving.

            The bottom fell out of my world and I was in free fall. The next 3 months were hell.  Anxiety off the charts, not able to sit still for 1 minute, not sleeping, pacing my house every minute, even while eating because to sit still was agony. So much fear that all I was taught would happen and I would explode, implode, burn in hell.  Whatever was worse than the worst possible thing I could imagine would happen because I had left her.

            An antidepressant from the psychiatrist, weekly sessions with my therapist, doing the 12 step programs, (I’ve heard that some 12 step programs are a cult or cult like. The ones I am involved in are nothing cult like, and believe me I know), regaining relationships with my family, exercising and beginning to socialize all helped to slowly change my life.

            I calmed down, I laughed out loud once.  None of the things I had been told (brainwashed, gaslit) happened.  Good things happened.

            I started having panic attacks.  It took me awhile to be able to feel safe enough to feel myself enough to have them and I lived through them. One woman in particular who I had grown close to held me through them and tethered me to the life that was slowly becoming reality. I lived through them and I was OK.

            5 years after I left physically I lay in bed next to my wonderful wife of 2 1/2 years, the day after Thanksgiving.  Grateful for all I have.

            I felt the HATE I have for you and I allowed myself to feel it.  Hoping you burn in hell.  Being safe enough to feel it in my body, in my mind, in my spirit.

            I feel the LOVE of myself and my life.

            I GOT OUT!

            I keep track of you sometimes to be sure you are not harming others the way you harmed me.  And sometimes to remind myself how absolutely fucked up you are.

~Julie Arneson